10 Notable Disfigured Comic Book Characters

Wade Wilson is a disfigured mercenary with enhanced speed, strength, and a healing factor.  The Weapon-X program that gave Wolverine his adamantium skeleton and claws also helped Deadpool become super-powered, even stopping his cancer from progressing.  The side effect, however, was a disfigured face.  His face is not seen much, though, due to his wearing a very cool red and black mask.  Do they sell those?  They should.  Anyway, creating Deadpool is pretty easily the most impressive thing Rob Liefeld has ever done.  Which is saying a lot for a guy who has so successfully alienated his fan base and fellow comic book artists and writers all while fulfilling his destiny to become the Michael Bay of comic books.  Owning six copies of X-Force #1 is more embarassing than your mom cleaning out your closet and discovering your beat rag.  Trust me, I know.

 

 

 

 

Former CIA agent Al Simmons made a deal with the Devil in which Simmons became a Hellspawn.  He got a sweet costume with a sweet cape and some bad ass chains that can really do some damage.  And a whole mess of powers, too.  Unfortunately for Simmons, the deal left his face horribly scarred and filled with maggots.  Which, if you think about it, is kind of a fair trade for the costume, chains, and powers.  The Devil's not such an unreasonable guy.

 

 

 

 

Ben Grimm has got to be the unluckiest guy in the world.  After being exposed to cosmic radiation, Reed Richards can stretch his body (and presumably his dick) into almost any length or shape.  Susan Storm can turn invisible and create forcefields.  Johnny Storm can ignite his body, engulfing himself in flames.  All those things are way cooler than being a regular person.  But what can Ben Grimm do?  He gets a ton of strength, but who wants that when your entire body (and presumably your dick) has turned into orange rock?  Being a regular person would be better than being The Thing.  Ben got royaly screwed, and I wouldn't blame him one bit if he punched Susan in the face the next time she uses that bitchy tone.

To me, Dr. Doom always seemed like the quintessential comic book villain – genius intellect, megalomania, disfigured, and a personal link to his superhero archenemy.  A failed lab experiment (predictably) left Victor Von Doom disfigured, forcing him to wear a metal mask to hide his scarring.  He's so cliche it's cool.  An example of Doom's megalomania can be seen in his creation of an army of Doombots, robot warriors made in Doom's image.  Which kind of begs the question: Is sex with a robot version of yourself gay?  Or is it more like masturbation?  Either way, I'm what the Pope calls a "sinner."

G.I. Joe's resident ninja makes this list based on his appearances in Marvel comics.  Snake Eyes became disfigured during his pre-Joe days as the result of a helicopter explosion that also rendered him mute.  There's a G.I. Joe movie in production currently, but all signs point to it being a colossal failure.  There is good news, however, Joe fans:  A new cartoon written by Warren Ellis should debut on the Internet soon.  A teaser clip was played at Comic Con and featured Snake Eyes taking out several Cobra troopers in very violent fashion.  The cartoon looks likes it's going to be dark and geared toward adults, and Ellis has confirmed as much.  Now if someone would just put some faith into my script about Baroness and Scarlett.  I've already sacrificed plenty - I agreed to cut out the golden shower scene to make it more marketable.  That said, I'll be goddamned if I'm going to take out the scene with Destro and the Benoit Balls.

 

 

 

 

Arseface, from the Preacher comic book series, became disfigured after a failed suicide attempt.  Turns out a shotgun under the chin doesn't always kill you.  Despite his unnerving appearance, Arseface is very popular character amongst fans of the series and often provides some comic relief.  This reminds me: I was actually in a suicide pact when I was in middle school.  True story.  I was in a pact with my friend Jason and we agreed to shoot ourselves in the face with shotguns, Arseface-style.  His parents are still really pissed at me, but it's not my fault that I thought we were doing it on "1..2..3..go!" and not "1…2…3."  So really, he's the one that broke the pact.  What a jerk, that Jason.

 

10. V

 

 

 

"V" is the Guy Fawkes mask-wearing revolutionary who aspires to overthrow the government in Alan Moore's V for Vendetta.  His disfigurement comes from horrible burns suffered while a prisoner in a concentration camp.  At the end of the story, V travels on a train filled with explosives to 10 Downing Street, ultimately blowing it to smithereens.  The movie adaptation was pretty good, I thought, and thank god those Guy Fawkes masks didn't catch on like those annoying Scream masks.  Remember how many assholes had those masks after Scream was released?  My mom didn't take hers off for over a month.  That shit's embarassing when your girlfriend comes over for dinner.