An Ode to Optimus Prime

When I was a boy, I wanted to be Optimus Prime when I grew up; sadly, some dick told me it wasn’t possible, just around the same time my grandfather died, 1988 sucked for one Toni Smith. Now many aspired to be Optimus Prime for being a just and fearless leader, I was three; I wanted to be a giant badass robot with a face plate and a goddamn axe for a hand. As my three year old mind evolved into the jaded four year old who knew he couldn’t be said robot, I too eventually saw Prime as the wondrous and just leader of the Autobots, one who would be on the front lines along with his soldiers, not risking their Sparks without risking his own. Deep down I still want a goddamn axe for a hand, but I digress.

As we all know, Optimus Prime became an epic figure in pop-culture during a time when the typical American Youth were being essentially raised by television and other forms of multimedia entertainment: this is why so many found guidance in what was really a cartoon character.

Cartoon character or not, Optimus Prime was an inspiration and a father figure to many of us in the 80’s; that’s why a certain film from 1986 did a number on our young minds. Many of us didn’t actually see “Transformers; The Movie” around the same time, I was two, I can’t remember when exactly I saw the thing, I think I was five, but I do remember how much it sucked to watch Optimus Prime die. Even today, many of my friends and myself decry the death of Optimus Prime, but recently I reflected on my childhood rancor from my adult life.

Optimus’ death and subsequent replacement with, ugh, Hot Rod actually came at the perfect time. Losing Optimus showed us that nothing lasts forever; even cherished, treasured things go away. Now the late 80’s and early 90’s saw a massive amount of something that created the jaded nature and pop-culture worship in our generation: many of us saw are parents get divorced. Broken homes became a common institution, I recall only about four kids in my class didn’t get two Christmases, and two of those kids were jewish. Nevertheless, thanks to the events of “Transformers: The Movie,” I had a pretty good inkling of the course of events this divorce thing was going to take.

Think of the Autobots as a whole as your mom, they’re both built for labor and have held a ton of male members in them (BURN!!!) and in that respect the Prime is, dear old dad. So when mom and dad split, it has the same impact as the death of Optimus Prime, some more so than others, I was lucky enough to have my real dad in the picture, but I know plenty of kids whose dad’s just left after the divorce. Now, the Matrix of Leadership is sort of like mom’s heart, so after the death of Prime, Ultra Magnus has the Matrix. First off comes the rebound guy Ultra Magnus, he’s cool, he’s sort of like your dad, not quite, which after a long relationship you go for something very similar to what you had; but you can relate to the dude and he seems to have his shit together, you like him, but the Matrix just won’t open up to him. After Magnus comes Galvatron, the guy’s the polar opposite of Optimus Prime, and a total dick if you’re an Autobot. Finally the Matrix finds the one, Hot Rod, or if you will Rodimus Prime.

Rodimus is the total stepdad of the eighties, not only is he a Camaro or some other shitty car, but he’s also a motor home! I don’t now about you, but my stepdad Jay actually drove a Camaro with a stupid ass spoiler and he lived in a trailer, yeah, it explains a bunch. So Rodimus isn’t a dick like Galvatron, but he’s young and inexperienced, he’s not ready to lead or be the head of a family, he wants to go fishing and have questionable relationships with a young boy. Rodimus tries to do what he can, but he’s right for the Matrix, but not for the rest of the Autobots, he’s a reluctant leader, and when things get real bad, what does he do? Why he finds Optimus and has him fix everything (See: Hate Plague) just like when you get in a fight with your stepdad and mom sends you to your dad’s for the rest of the week, even though it’s not his week.

That is why Optimus Prime is the ultimate teacher, even his death taught me how to live my life. Thanks to Optimus I knew, if you insult your redneck stepdad enough, mom will send you to dad’s, or vice versa if your stepmom was a total C.

Thank you Optimus, you do have the touch, and not in the same way Hot Rod does with that kid on their “fishing trips.”

Editor's Note: You know we had to stick this in here!