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Dear Galactus, Devourer of Worlds,
My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years, and recently I feel like he's been beginning to lose affection for me. We're way past the "basics" for spicing up a relationship, but I'm not ready to give up on the physical part of our relationship. Help!
Sincerely,
Dying Inside Every Day
Foolish Mortal,
You know what I desire, Herald! My eternal hunger must be sated! We have a pact, and this pact requires you to sustain my energy levels with lush and living planets that I may feast on their many denizens. Shall I consume youre homeworld? Shall I? But regarding your boyfriend… maybe he's just not that into you? So speaks Galactus!
Dear Galactus, Devourer of Worlds,
I have a friend who comes over to my house frequently. We are about the same size, and I suggested that we share wardrobes. He ran out of my house, and now he won't return my phone calls! What did I do wrong? Is it not normal for two grown men to share clothes? Sincerely,
Panicked at the Disco
Foolish Mortal,
More! Galactus must feed! The mad throes of hunger are upon me. Galactus must feed immediately! Do not dull my unending life with your incessant questions. Your life would be but a tiny droplet in the vast well of energy that is Galactus. Besides, Galactus has had many male friends, but never has he shared pants with them! Quiet my unremitting purple stomach, Herald! I HUNGER!
Dear Galactus, Devourer of Worlds,
I had a tupperware party last week, and my mother-in-law brought several of her friends that I specifically asked her to leave out. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't mind, but, Galactus, the reason I wanted her to be left out was that she also sells tupperware! And sure enough, she brought her entire tupperware inventory to peddle at MY TUPPERWARE PARTY! To make a long story short, I stabbed her in the back of the head with a pair of poultry shears. How do I get out of prison?
Sincerely,
Stale in Jail
Foolish Mortal,
The time has come for Galactus to graze on your planet's living entities. There can be no denial that Galactus' will is natural law, and Galactus will solve your problem by absorbing your essence along with all of your cohabitants of this unfortunate globe. However, if Galactus were you, he would not get so upset about tupperware. Galactus has no need for tupperware, for he never has leftovers. (I hunger!)
Dear Galactus, Devourer of Worlds,
It's a tradition in my family to hunt our Thanksgiving turkey every year. The problem is, we do it on a bird farm, and I think it's really lame and I've outgrown it (I'm 37), but my dad still makes me go every year. One year I intentionally shit my pants as an excuse not to go, and he made me go, and drove all 40 miles to the bird farm with the windows up. How do I tell him enough is enough?
Sincerely,
Washed and Steamed in Albany
Foolish Mortal,
Thanksgiving? Bro, you are killing Galactus. Did I not mention I hunger? And have you seen me feasting on the denizens of a planet since I've been saying that? Stop tempting Galactus. Galactus should consume you, not out of ill will, but out of illimitable energy lust. Galactus isn't much for hunting, but Galactus would definitely go for some turkey right about now. Have you any leftover turkey for Galactus? Find Galactus leftover turkey, and Galactus will silence your father problem!
Confidential to Foolish Mortal,
Oh, man. Galactus seriously can not remember the last time he was this hungry. Galactus would totally throw in on some Chipotle if anyone feels like driving. Herald, have you found me a world to exhaust of vitality? No? What's your job again? Pretty much everyone can hear Galactus's stomach at this point, if that gives you some sense of how badly I hunger! Galactus might as well just cave in and admit he'll be eating Jack-in-the-Box tonight. Anybody want to ride along with Galactus?
