G.I. Joe 1987 vs G.I. Joe 2009

On the cusp of the release of the new live action GI Joe movie, I thought it best to take a look back at the past.  Namely, the animated film GI Joe: The movie from 1987, and the height of GI Joe popularity.  Of course, I haven’t seen the new GI Joe film yet, but I have seen the old one, and it was clearly awesome.  So the question remains, can the new Joe live up to the greatness that was the animated classic?  Of course not.  I know you’re already mad, so I’ve prepared the following list of reasons why, utilizing absolutely no real understanding of the new film, no journalistic process, and unbiased perspective whatsoever.  That’s how you know this article’s good.

1.    There will not be a jet fueled, air to air conflict surrounding the Statue of Liberty utilizing one-man air craft that could clearly not really fly, and Duke in a jet pack.  Why would they opt to leave this out of the new film?  First of all, because the two story lines have nothing in common with one another, but that didn’t stop the original film from incorporating it into a story line that had nothing at all to do with New York or the Statue of Liberty.  In fact, the battle in question had absolutely no real bearing on the film’s story whatsoever, but it did provide the filmmakers the opportunity to sick a rockin’ song about Cobra.

2.    There won’t be nearly as much clearly inappropriate sexual innuendo.  There’s a man in the animated film named Snow Job.  I’m serious.  Live Action Joe won’t have shit on that.

3.    There won’t be nearly as much (accepted) sexual harassment.  Whereas in modern film, chauvinistic behavior is frowned upon as an example of how foolish some men are, in the animated GI Joe, it’s an accepted part of the workplace.  In fact, when Lt. Falcon slaps a female recruit on the butt, she isn’t mad about how he degraded her at work, or that he clearly doesn’t take her seriously as a Joe… but because she saw him hitting on another female earlier.  It’s okay though, despite not sharing hardly another word to one another throughout the entire film, they make out when Cobra is defeated.  Hey kids, sexism works.

4.    Snake People.  That’s right, the animated Joe has fucking snake people.  They even turn Cobra Commander into a giant snake, who’s saved by the Joes, and even eventually helps them win the battle.

5.    The biggest reason why the animated Joe film was way better than the live action movie could ever be, can be summed up in just two words.  Sgt. Slaughter.  The toughest Joe alive, he and his group of recruits infiltrate Cobra Island without brining any weapons.  That’s right, no red laser bullets, not even a knife.  Just bare hands and mustache.  In fact, he and his small band of Joes actually manage to destroy the entire island.  We’re talking about a guy who says things like, “You’re gonna learn to work until your dead, and then keep working, because if you don’t, you’ll be afraid I won’t let you die!”  I’m not even sure if that makes sense, but I’m sure it’s awesome.

So sure, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra will have a huge budget and a great cast.  Unfortunately, it will also have a Wayan’s brother, and more importantly, no Sgt. Slaughter.  That said, it’ll probably be pretty awesome and make a ton of money, and make no mention of a completely retarded, made up place called Cobra-La.  Yup, in the animated film, that’s a real place.