Here's Why Michael Bay Doesn't Totally Suck

Two Years ago I went and saw one movie several times at the theater, something I have not done since 1996, that movie was “Transformers” the one in ’96 was “The Rock.” What do these two films have in common? They were both summer blockbusters, they both featured some of my fabled childhood icons, Sean Connery and Michael Behn, in “The Rock,” and don’t be a slmartass, you know who I’m talking about for the former, and both were directed by on Michael Bay.
    
Sure, Michael Bay has directed some shitty movies, Pearl Harbor and Armageddon immediately come to mind, but say what you will about those movies; they do LOOK fantastic. That’s the key point of a director’s job, he doesn’t write the story nor act it, a director ensures that everything looks right and shoots it. Michael Bay did not write Pearl Harbor or Armageddon, he was simply the guy Jerry Bruckheimer wanted to shoot the flick, make it look awesome and then sell it to the masses. And Bay knows this, the man is fully aware of what kind of job he does and he’s not afraid to poke fun at himself either:

Honestly, wouldn’t you rig shit to explode in your house?

But we don’t care about those movies here, all we give a shit about right now is fucking “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” and getting to watch Optimus Prime knock the fuck out of some Decepticons and see Megan Fox run, and, stuff. Robots, explosions and tits, it is a perfect culmination of what any red blooded American male and those treasured hot tomboys (Toni does the wink and gun finger action to his girlfriend knowing full well she’ll read this and would kick him in the dick if he implied chicks don’t like Giant Robot fights) dream about. I tell you what, there are only three people on earth capable of directing such a film: the first is James Cameron the second is Clint Eastwood (because he can do anything he goddamn pleases to) and the third is Michael Bay. Eastwood is out because you’d tell him the premise and he’d shoot your kneecaps off; Cameron would ultimately make the overall best film IMAGINBLE, but it would take him thirty fucking yeas because he’d want to build actual Autobots and shit with real AI. So since you fear and respect Mr. Eastwood and I’m being facetious to suggest him anyways, not because I don’t worship the man but because he’s the one person I value more than Optimus Prime, I said it; and Cameron’s Transformers would take forever to develop and go overboard on the budget. The only man suited to make a blockbuster about Megan Fox and fighting Robots is none other than Michael Bay; think of anyone else capable, I dare you I fucking DARE you!

Face it, Michael Bay is the most skilled and the most logistical option for a movie that is adapted from a giant toy commercial.  Your typical Bay basher will go on and on about how stupid his movies are and how they’re only visual spectacle and so forth. This is the same kind of rhetoric you will get repeatedly from “film-savvy” people because they think it makes them sound smart, deep and sophisticated. Well guess what it doesn’t, hating Michael Bay for what he does is the cinematic equivalent to wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt you bought at the mall. Michael Bay actually describes his film in the best way possible: Summer Fun; just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Watch the robots knock the shit out of each other, ogle Megan Fox, Autobots win, Linkin Park plays, hell yeah, minus the Linkin Park part, they suck. While you can rant and rave about how Bay doesn’t listen to the reviews, he doesn’t have to, critics have giant sticks up their flabby asses: they can’t just shut the fuck up and enjoy a goddamn movie, mainly because many are failed film makers and need to bitch about another’s success. Michael Bay, who makes movies to be fun and enjoyable, needs to look at one major critic: Box Office, if the movie bombs, then it’s back to square one, but if many people enjoy the movie and it generates lots of revenue, then he did a good job. Hate to break it to you guys, but movies are made to make money, not please a handful of people; and as many Trans-fans are out there, you need to sell tickets to more than just us to turn a profit and continue to make more Transformers movies.
    
I know I’ve struck a nerve now so I’m going to keep digging: fans are awesome, fan-boys on the other hand shit on everything worse than critics. I’m a huge Transformers fan, I own some comics, a DVD or two, hell, I have on original thermos on my dresser right now; Optimus Prime is one of my heroes and has helped make me the man I am today, I have both the touch and the power. As a fan I can admire my favorite cartoon show adapted to the big screen, I enjoy seeing a different take on some of my cherished heroes because I don’t want to see the same story over and over again. I can understand having more focus on the human characters because, one it keeps cost down and second, the general movie going public would pan the film if it were solely about the robots and it would end up being a flop: box office flop= no sequel, less Prime and Fox overall. A fan-boy owns these memories with such fervor that no other take on the mythos is acceptable, if the movie is not a shot-for-shot recreation of “More than Meets the Eye” then it must be an abomination, there is only one story to tell and if it isn’t told then a childhood has been shat upon.

In reality, it is the fan-boys who shit on their own childhoods; they see their memories through their adult eyes and won’t acknowledge that in reality, your six-year-old self would go ape-shit for Michael Bay’s “Transformers.” As a kid the continuity-inconsistencies from the show and the film wouldn’t bother you in the slightest, you would see Prime, go all retard and get your parents to buy you the toy afterwards, and a goddamn happy meal. Fuck, watch the original animated movie and realize how shoddy that thing is: Devastator and Soundwave duke it out in fucking Astro-Train, the 85 foot tall robot gets in a fight in a Space Shuttle! Your inner-child isn’t pissed, your outer adult just wants to bitch.

We forget to realize how many different continuities to Transformers exist: if you make a show that is 100% faithful to the cartoon, you alienate the comics fans, and the UK comics fans who had a completely different continuity than the US comics. Do you piss off the Japanese audience and forgo the insane Super God Convoy whatever the fuck it was? How about the kids today who watched and love Armada the same way you love G1? What about “Beast Wars?” Let’s all agree “Beast Wars” can fuck off, but the fact of the matter is, being faithful to the source material isn’t as easy as you think. Plus, there are new and interesting stories that can be told if sometimes you just take something where it has never been; that’s why my favorite Avengers story is “Ultimates 2,” take a great concept and ensure you can tell the best story possible by saying fuck you to continuity.

You can hate Michael Bay all you want, and say “Revenge of the Fallen” will suck, and it isn’t because of the show or the comics were better; but because the best stories ever made were with you playing with those figures at the foot of your bed making up the most awesome tale you could ever think for yourself.

Hotrod can still eat my ass though.