Marvel Superheroines

If you’re a dude in your late teens/early 20s and you read comics as a kid, those comics were Marvel. “Make mine Marvel!” you probably said, back then, probably to no one, as you read a stack of comics in your room, alone. Fatty. But why did you make yours Marvel? Did their comics have better storylines than DC? Uhm, maybe. Was their artwork better than DC? Probably, I guess. But neither of those reasons get to the heart of the issue (pun intended!): why did you really, for true, read Marvel over DC? Why, the chicks in Marvel had bigger titties. That’s why.

 

“Bladow. Hey Jean Grey…you can read minds? That’s cool. What’s that? Great danger ahead. Uh huh. Sounds fun. Uhm…can I see your titties?”

 

That’s you…age 10.  Marvel is a smart company, bro.  They got you.  Just as you could start popping boners, but right before you had a clue what to do with them, Marvel served up two all beef patties stuffed into a spandex unitard by the crateload.  Every comic had ‘em.  Remember The Punisher? The vigilante LONER guy who killed mobsters? How in the hell are we gonna find titties in The Punisher? In the mid ‘90s, Marvel found a way. Team him up with vigilante women, have him save women, hell, give him a van stuffed with guns and have a buxom young lass be the driver. Problem solved…may we have your cash please, you pre-pubescent horn dog?

 

The best titties, of course, were found in X-Men related titles.  You got your regular X-Men, with Storm and Jean Grey and the like, first and foremost. God, those two were hot. And boy, did they get naked a lot in the early 90’s. I could almost count the number of times the X-Men chicks were kidnapped and forced to strip naked on two hands (operative word being almost…I don’t have two free hands, guys…there are naked X chicks here, bro)!  There were all so many varieties of titties on the X-Men, too.  Want huge ones? Storm. Of course.

 

 

 

But do you want understated exotic knockers? Well then, check out Jubliee’s spread during the Genosha storyline. Wawawewa!

 

X-Force also had some hilariously large tits, provided of course by the legendarily ridiculous artist Rob Liefeld. For those who don’t remember the dude, here are some samples.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The guy was known for not being able to draw feet, hands, or people’s faces from the side.  But boy, could he draw titties. Bravo, Rob. Bravo.

I think there’s a lesson in all this…something maybe the producers of the next Marvel related film can think about before they reach the casting stage: we didn’t buy the friggin’ comics cuz they were cool, fun, interesting, had great adventures or unique storylines or had awesome drawings and character design. We got the comics, we shelled out our paper route money for 30 pages of newsprint…for the titties. Now for Spiderman 4, I’m thinking Nikki Cox might be just right. Give her a call…I doubt she’s doing anything else.