Conan Will Have His Revenge

Ok, so much like with my Green Lantern cast list a couple weeks ago, character descriptions have been released so I have to throw my 2 cents in. What can I say, I’m opinionated. Well at least about the leads…

Alright, let’s start with the eye candy first.

[ TAMARA ] She is 18 to 24 years old, Caucasian or Middle Eastern, open to all ethnicities; beautiful, studious, correct, a novitiate of a Greek influenced monastery. A master of martial arts, she has been trained to be the Queen’s servant, bodyguard and best friend. She and many other female bodyguards to the queen have been in hiding most of their lives because of the curse of Acheron, which would take the queen’s life to bring almost immortal power to its king. When Khalar Singh, a powerful warlord with ambitions to become the king of Acheron, storms the monastery and captures all of the novitiates, she is separated from Ilira, the one she must protect. With all of her strength and will, Tamara is determined to find and rescue her. She finds herself in league with Conan because of a mutual need to find Khalar
Singh. She is not in the least intimidated by Conan’s size or grim demeanor and their alliance eventually blossoms into something that surprises them both…LEAD

Tamara needs to be both badass AND hot enough to be deserving of the manliest man of all time. The ‘badass’ thing is going to pretty much eliminate most of the chicks I normally think first for leads, namely my girl, 5 foot 1, Kristen Bell. So this one will require thinking outside the box a little more. I think Rosario Dawson would be good, but she’s already well past the 18-24 age bracket as she just nailed the dreaded (in Hollywood) age of 30. Then I thought maybe Kristina Loken. After all, if she can play Bloodrayne, Painkiller Jane, and a Terminator then she can handle the badass part. But then I remembered not only that she can’t act, but she also just turned 30. I assume the age is set that low for the purpose of sequels in the years to come, so I’m trying to stay in it.

My pick is actually going to be just 22 year old, Evan Rachel Wood.  I went here for a few reasons. First, and most importantly, she can act. The girl has got talent, and that is some you can’t undervalue. Next, she is 5’8, so she isn’t too small to be taken serious. She would have to tone up a bit, put on some muscle, but I think she could work out, she’s got kind of a Red Sonja look about her…

Next, for Conan’s big battle we get Ukafa, right hand man to Khalar Singh. He will have to be physically equal, if not superior to Conan himself.

[ UKAFA ] He’s in his 30s-40, very dark-skinned African or African American, massively framed at six-foot-five, gold-toothed, hardened by a lifetime of war, a leader of Kushite Tribemen from the savannahs of Kush. Ukafa is Khalar Singh’s second in command,
jealous that Singh’s son, Fariq, will one day be warlord. He obeys his leader but plots the overthrow of his son. He is a mighty warrior and unbeatable in battle until he comes face to face with Conan. LEAD

Now for this role I first thought maybe Kevin Grevioux or Terry Crews, but they both stand only about 6’2, and though they’re built like brick houses, may not be intimidating enough as the casting call says 6’5. Michael Clarke Duncan is about the right size, but he’s also about 52 years old and I think we need to stay a bit younger.

So my decision landed in the middle with Idris Elba from THE WIRE. He is only about 6’3, but what he lacks in height he makes up for in acting ability, and I imagine this character will be plotting some shady shit, and what he taught me in 37 episodes as Stringer Bell, he can do that. Ultimately I think they’ll go with an unknown here, but Elba would be my pick.

Khalar Singh is the ‘big bad’, the root of all evil, and the motivation for our hero to push forward.

[ KHALAR SINGH ] He’s in his 40s to 50s, Asian or Middle Eastern, Central Asian, Mongol, Turkish, or Persian, open to all ethnicities; commanding in size and manner, a warlord and formidable warrior, brilliant, cruel, weathered and tanned by the many campaigns he has waged and won. He is driven in his quest to find the Queen of Acheron and has been building an empire to do so. His goal is to find the Queen whose blood will bring life to the demonic minions of Acheron while making himself king of this hellish power. With this power, Khalar will protect his legacy against the onslaught of master sorcerer, Thoth-Amon so that his weak son, Fariq may rule after his death. While riding into a Cimmerian village to recruit his old comrade, Corin, his large collection of mercenaries slaughters them to the last soul when Corin refuses to join them. The village’s only survivor was young Conan. When Khalar’s search has finally narrowed to the likely discovery of the queen at a monastery of female monks, he also learns Conan is older and hungry for revenge… LEAD

Here I think that the ability to act is perhaps the most pivotal of all the roles, a great villain can make a movie. So there was really only one name that popped in my head, Ken Watanabe. He is the appropriate age, a believable warrior, and an excellent actor. They’ll have to dirty him up a bit, but if they’re going for quality, more BRAVEHEART less BEAST MASTER, I think this is the strongest of my choices.

And finally, the big dog himself, the most masculine incarnation of man ever thought up, Conan. He’ll bang your wife AND daughter, drink 7 gallons of mead, punch your horse in the face, and you’ll love him for it. If he was around today he’d play middle linebacker without a helmet for work, beat the shit out of PETA protestors for fun, and be on the front page of ever tabloid in the country daily, a bottle of Johnny Walker Black in his hand and stogie in his mouth. He’d be Babe Ruth and Clint Eastwood rolled into one. He would be my hero.

 [ CONAN ] He’s in his 20s to early 30s, Caucasian, powerfully built, broad-shouldered, sun browned skin lined with scars. Piercing blue eyes and square-cut black mane, tall. He is a savage killer that has matured into the refinement his father tried to teach him when he was young. Conan is very smart, almost inhumanly strong, and very cunning. His entire life, from the moment of his birth, has been shaped by violence. Being the last of his tribe and having to watch his father die a cruel death, he is determined avenge his peoples slaughter by killing all those who led the attack on the Cimmerians, including the all-powerful Khalar Singh. He is prepared to die in order to accomplish his goal. What Conan did not expect, was to find a reason to live… LEAD

Now I’ve heard a lot of people suggest Gerard Butler, which after 300 is easy to see. And while I’m a Butler fan, he is too old. So is Roland Kickinger who everyone is rumoring to already have it.

The problem is no one is badass enough to be Conan. Arnold was an anomaly, this is a tough one. I feel like they need an unknown here to build up. If it’s good this is a franchise that could go for a while.

I didn’t hate Taylor Kitsch as ‘Gambit’ and he was actually pretty good on “Friday Night Lights”. He is the right age and I feel like he could bulk up enough to be convincing. He did however used to be a male model, so I think that disqualifies him. I’ve been thinking real hard about this all day, and I’ve finally come up with a choice I can be happy about. Meet Daniel Cudmore.

Ok, so if you’re reading this you’re probably a dork already so you might already know Daniel Cudmore. That’s right, he was Colossus. Sure X3 sucked, but he was also in X2. Need ‘Man Credentials’? Well he went to college on a football scholarship after growing up in the far northern parts of Canada. That’s Lumberjack/Ice Fishermen country = Manly.

The only reason knock on him is that he might be too big as he stands 6’8. Damn.

So there are the big 4, but there is a lot more. Here are the rest of the casting calls…(SPOILER ALERT)

[ FARIQ ] He’s in his 20s to early 30s, Asian or Middle Eastern, open to all ethnicities, slight of frame, piercing eyes, cruel, determined to prove to his father that he can rule the world when the time comes. But he has the mentality of a proto-goth rocker, so ruling the world will prove elusive. However, Fariq makes up for his lack of battle skills with his deft understanding of sorcery and evil determination to find the real queen of Acheron. SUPPORTING

[ ILIRA ] She is 18 to 20 years old, Caucasian or Middle Eastern, beautiful, fun-loving, a novitiate of a Greek influenced monastery. She has been hidden away in a monastery since birth since she is the designated queen of Acheron. When Khalar Singh captures her among all of the other novitiates and start the process of killing them to find out which is the real queen, Ilira maintains her courage under unbelievably cruel circumstances. SUPPORTING

[ REMO ] He’s in his 30s, any ethnicity, thin, feral, misshapen, a mysterious warrior of dark magic who travels by shadow and surprises men with a quick death. He leads a band of tracking Shadow Scouts under Khalar Singh’s employ. He can be immensely fast
and devious, his soul as twisted as his body. SUPPORTING

[ FASSIR ] He’s in his 50s, Middle Eastern, Asian, Caucasian, SUBMIT ALL ETHNICITIES, strict yet loving, learned and spiritual, an elder monk and leader of the monastery. He’s charged with the care and education of the queen, Ilira. SUPPORTING

[ LUCIUS ] He’s in his 30s, Caucasian, handsome, proud, haughty, lethal, a leader of a Legion of Aquilonian Mercenaries. While attacking Corin and Conan in close quarters, he is thrown into a fiery forge that disfigures him for life. His self-revulsion twists him to the point that years later he takes great pleasure in torturing prisoners. SUPPORTING

[ ONE-EYED THIEF (ONE-EYED PRISONER) ] Hes in his 20s to 30s, any ethnicity, wiry, a leader of thieves, who has had the bad luck to fall into Lucius grips and is being tortured by him. However, the tables are turned by Conan and this prisoner has his revenge.
He later appears at Khor Khala City and offers aide to Conan as a way to pay his debt. SUPPORTING

[ ARTUS ] He’s in his 30s, tan and swarthy, almost Gypsy-like, handsome, charming, even dashing in a gruff way, a Zamoran pirate and good friend to Conan. They have shared many adventures together and trust each other with their lives. Artus is a master of
the high seas with a fast and powerful ship. He shows his mastery in strategy and hand-to-hand combat during a fierce sea battle. SUPPORTING

[ CHEREN ] He’s in his 30s, any ethnicity, a blind archer with the mystical ability to strike down any enemy with his bow and arrow. He leads a large band of blind archers whose accuracy and cunning lends a powerful presence to Khalar’s army of mercenaries.
SUPORTING

[ PICT ] He’s in his 30s, any ethnicity or dark-complexioned Caucasian ("pict" is Latin for "painted one") the fourth in the band of Pict Savages. He survives
Conan’s onslaught and beings Khalar Singh to where the Cimmerians camp. He is promised the heads of his enemies.

[ YOUNG CONAN ] Caucasian, tough and wiry, scary violent. At ten, he insists on joining the teenage boys entering their rites into becoming warriors. When four Picts cross his path and kill one of the boys, Conan unleashes a savagery that goes too far for a warrior. His father takes him aside and personally trains him. His father teaches him what makes a good sword but he has still much to learn what makes a good swordsman. When the Cimmerians are attacked by Khalar Singh and his mercenaries, Conan is the only survivor, the last of the Cimmerians. SUPPORTING

[ ISLENE ] She’s in her 20s, Caucasian, beautiful, courageous, Amazonian built, pregnant with her son, Conan. She is stabbed through the belly by an Aesir Raider. Her dying request to her husband, Corin, is to take the baby from her womb before she dies so that she can see him…

[ YOUNG FARIQ ] He’s ten years old, Asian or Middle Eastern, submit all ethnicities, Khalar Singh’s son, a sociopath in the making, one who has no qualms killing a wounded man with his own sword.

[ MARAUDER ] He’s in his 30s to 40s, Caucasian, massively built and brutal, a stone cold killer that takes relish in the killing of the pregnant Islene. His shield bears the emblem of Thoth-Amon. However, his arrogance is his downfall as she, in turn, kills him.

[ YOUNG ARTUS ] He’s 15 to 16 years old, Caucasian, Cimmerian, a tall muscular kid embarking on the initiation rite to become a warrior. He mocks the smaller Conan much to his regret. While on the trail, he tries to convince Conan to flee after wandering
off the path into a dark pass littered with corpses hanging from trees. Young Conan saves him from the Khalar’s raid on Cimmeria. When given a chance to fight for his homeland, Artus flees to save himself.

[ THREE PICT SAVAGES ] In their late teens, early 20s, SUBMIT ALL ETHNICITIES, large, brutish, bearded, and wild. They are on a hunting party and come across some teenage Cimmerians heads to add to their collections. What they didn’t count on was the savagery of young Conan.

And finally…

[ NARRATOR ] A storyteller’s voice of old, VOICEOVER ONLY

This one I’d like to throw out a name, cause you can never under estimate the importance of a great narrator…

Brian Kronner. Booyah. I would like to officially make myself available for narration and will gladly work for free.

Also James Earl Jones or Arnie would be cool too…I guess.

So now I want to hear YOUR ideas for all the supporting roles, hit up the comments gang.