Psychiatric Profiles Of Your Favorite Super-heroes

In the context of a comic book, a Super-hero seems nothing short of amazing.  But if you remove that character from the page, his behavior seems…pretty strange.  Here are some descriptions of some of your favorite super-heroes and analysis from Dr. Michael Truman, a psychiatrist from Miami, Florida.

GREEN LANTERN: "Green Lantern, along with Aquaman, suffers from a classic case of an inferiority complex. He's got a ring that does 'green' related things…and that's it. Well, heck, why not call me 'Wedding Ring Man?' Get ready for my marriage-related heroics, folks! Heh…too bad I'm not married. Ladies?"

GOKU: "Whenever things get out of control, he lights his hair on fire. It's like cutting yourself, but with a lighter. There's probably a history of abuse lurking there. Perhaps he was molested by that old man from the original Dragonball series. Why do I know so much about Dragonball? I'm a genius."

CAPTAIN AMERICA: "I see a man building an ever growing unhealthy obsession with patriotic imagery. And you know what happens when things get too patriotic, right?  Have you seen 'American History X?' That 'bite the curb' scene? Well…that…but metaphorically speaking. And don't tell me that makes no sense…idiot."

SPIDERMAN: "Kind-spirited, but conflicted. Spandex. Sticky? Sounds like a repressed homosexual. Plus his whole costume has a 'Brokeback' vibe to it. You don't see it? Weird. Anyways, he's totally gay."

SPEED RACER: "Forces his girlfriend to be part of his pit crew. Endangers the life of his 8-year-old friend.  Yells things at a monkey. Speed Racer is on a fast track to homicidal schizophrenia. I suggest he discontinues racing cars, for one, and obtains immediate psychiatric help. I, of course, would be delighted to treat young Mr. Racer. I normally charge $300 an hour, but for Speed Racer, $700.

HE-MAN: "His masculine name is a cover for the tenderness that lies below. There's a She Woman lurking beneath He Man's ripped physique, and it's begging to be let out. He Man, just one question…heels or flats?"

MR. FANTASTIC: "His legs and arms are always moving away from his body, his center. It's as if each appendage has its own…personality. And when someone is struggling with multiple personalities, they have…multiple personality disorder.  Though I don't actually know the details of his case, I would guess one of his legs believes he's an 80-year-old retired lunch lady and while his arms act like they belong to members of rivaling gangs. Classic, classic case of multiple personality disorder.  Poor guy. His only respite is bagging his hot, invisible wife."

THE FLASH: "He's running so fast…but running from what? My guess…intimacy. Give that fellow a hug and mark my words, his new nickname will be The Light Stroll-Guy.  Maybe that's a bad nickname, but he'll slow down…you get the idea."