Send in the Clones: A Brief History of Sucky Clone Stories

The most talked-about comic book of the month by far has been Marvel's Civil War #4, which picks up the cliffhanger left off at the end of #3—after years of being M.I.A., the Mighty Thor has suddenly reappeared, and, what's more, he's chosen a side in the civil war, joining Tony "Iron Man" Stark against Captain America. What the hell was going on? Fans were on the edge of their collective seats until #4 was finally released and we learned—get this—it wasn't really Thor at all, but a clone of Thor.

A collective groan went up from fandom, and some dithered that the seven-part mini-series had jumped the shark. What's so bad about using a clone in a story? Is there something inherently bad about the clone as a plot device?

You wouldn't think so, based on the number of clones and clone-related stories in comic books, stretching back decades. But Marvel readers should probably be forgiven for their cynicism. "The Clone Saga," is an epic Spider-Man story that posited that perhaps the Peter Parker and Spider-Man we'd been reading about for years wasn't really the real Peter at all, but a clone of him. For many, it was the absolute low-point of all Spider-history. But does one super-sucky clone story mean clones should be off limits for all comic book writers for all time? It's not like there's no such thing as a good clone story, right? For example there's, um…

Okay. I can't think of one. But bad clone stories? Wow, that's as easy as going to the movies. For example:

 

 

The Island

 

Micahel Bay's 2005 suck-a-thon was partially set in a weird utopian future where everyone was good looking, wore identical white track suits and shoes, and had almost every aspect of their lives regulated, almost as if they were human cattle, being saved for some sinister purpose. The only means of escape from this paradise-like Hell was a lottery that would randomly send people to the titular locale, but Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson escape, only to find out that—oh, my God!—they're actually clones of other people, who have been bred and preserved to harvest replacement organs from.

 

 

Godsend

 

Robert DeNiro, often considered one of the finest actors of his generation, seemed to reach the nadir of his career in 2004, when he starred as a shady stem-cell research expert asked by a grieving couple to bring their dead son back to life using illegal cloning techniques (Who could have predicted DeNiro would go on to make even worse films, like Hide and Seek?). This being a horror movie made during the first term of the Bush administration, the process goes horribly awry and we learn an important lesson—stem cell research should be opposed, or God will punish us with creepy clone children.

 

 

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

 

A long time ago (the summer of 2002) in a galaxy far, far away (George Lucas' head), the forces of good (democratic, funny-looking-alien government) find themselves overwhelmed by an evil alliance of such evil forces as Count Dooku, The CGI Bug People, The Comic Relief Droids and Those-Two-Aliens-In- Funny-Hats-With-Asian-Accents.

The problem comes down to the staffing issues: There simply aren't enough Jedi to fill the Republic's armies and fight off the forces of the Sith. It's even worse than the U.S.' current recruitment problems too, since the Jedi aren't even exactly a volunteer force, but are chosen by the amount of microscopic "midichlorians" in the blood stream (or some such bullshit).

Well, there's more than one way to build an army. You can always, you know, actually build one. That's what the Republic decides on, using intergalactic bounty hunter and father of Boba, Jango Fett, to model for their clone army.

They eventually attack in the last reel of the film, the only one worth watching. Despite what diehard fans may try to argue, this Star Wars installment, like the rest of its trilogy, was completely abhorrent. Natalie Portman in a ripped-up, skin-tight white jumpsuit aside, of course.

Note: Ewan MacGregor plays the young Obi Wan Kenobi in this film, making him the actor to appear in more films dealing with clones than any other.

 

 

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

 

Clones tend to work out better in comedy than in drama, as the 1999 installment of the Austin Powers trilogy demonstrated. In it Michael Myers' Dr. Evil, arch nemesis of Michael Myers' heroic spy Austin Powers, had attempted to clone himself off-screen, and the result was one of the mores inspired sight gags of the franchise—tiny Verne Troyer, decked out as a mute, miniscule Dr. Evil answering to the name Mini-Me. For more funny clones, think of short-lived MTV cartoon Clone High, or the Hitler clones in the Boys from Brazil.

 

 

Alien: Resurrection

 

In 1997, we saw the last true installment of the Alien franchise (I'm pretending Alien vs. Predator was never made, and I never saw it), in which quirky French director Jean-Pierre Jeunet would set a story involving giant, acid-spitting, phalli-headed space monsters 200 years after the star character, Sigourney Weaver's ‘Ripley’, died. How is this possible? In a move that should be familiar to anyone who reads comics, this Ripley isn't the original Ripley, but a clone of the original.

While Alien: Resurrection isn't exactly a great film—and not even one of the better ones in the franchise—it's at least watchable, and Jeunet always packs his flicks with fun visuals (the underwater chase scene here, for example). For a movie in which cloning plays a key part, however, this might as well be Citizen Kane.

 

 

The 6th Day

 

What could possibly be better than a Sci-Fi action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger? How about a Sci-Fi action movie starring TWO Arnold Schwarzeneggers! That's the most inspired idea on display in this millennial Schwarzenegger film, from the period of his career when even state government was starting to look appealing (Batman and Robin, End of Days, Collateral Damage).

Ah-nold played a helicopter pilot who survives a deadly crash and makes his way home, only to find out that he's been replaced by a clone of himself. While cloning technology is available in the near-future setting of the film, it's illegal to use on humans, so it's up to our hero to find out who cloned him and why.

 

 

Multiplicity

 

This high-concept 1996 comedy from Harold Ramis of Groundhog Day fame found Michael Keaton wishing there was either more time in the day or more of him to get everything he wanted to do done. At this point, the film could have gone with a time machine or a cloning device, and, luckily for our purposes, went the cloning route.

The result was a series of Keaton's, each with slight personality quirks (Like the dumb one, the result of copying a copy of a copy, just like a Xerox machine or audiocassette), causing all sorts of trouble for bewildered wife Andie MacDowell. Well, it wasn't the only result, as Keaton's career seemed to taper off pretty quickly after a few more equally ill-advised projects (I'm thinking of you, Jack Frost).

  

The Clonus Horror

 

This 1979 Sci-Fi failure was so bad it was made into an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, but someone apparently liked what they saw, as the plot is awfully familiar to the first movie on our list: A man escapes from a government-run facility only to find out that he's actually a clone, one of many who are bred and kept at a secret facility to help prolong the lives of the people they were cloned from. What it lacks in Scarlett Johnasson, it more than makes up for in total goofiness. If stories about clones have a bad reputation, this is probably the place to start when assigning blame.