Written by Evan Hoovler
DC recently announced that they were starting every comic over with issue #1. Now is their big chance to fix some stupid superheroes that have been getting bagged on for decades. Here are our ideas on how to improve some of the most non-super characters:
Step One: Make him non-human
We'd accept half-human, but that means that someone would have to have screwed a fish. Speaking of Lovecraft, Aquaman should be some giant sentient being on the bottom of the ocean. Maybe he controls all animals with his mind. Or all black-colored animals, since fanboys seem to get horny over superhero color coordination.
Step Two: Make him a bad guy
Having a bunch of cutesy animals come in and save the day is lame. However, anyone familiar with "The Birds" knows that evil animals are scarier than Hell. Aquaman should have a legion of mind-controlled animals wrecking havoc everywhere and doing his evil bidding.
Step Three: Get rid of Atlantis
Aquaman is King of the ancient fictional undersea kingdom. This removes the connection between his adventures and our own lives. Aquaman should deal with/cause problems in the world of the land-walkers, not some silly fish town.
Step One: Get rid of the tights
We don't mean "get rid of the tights" as in "finally fulfill Batman's homoerotic fantasies." No, we mean stop wearing some weird ass getup that makes you look like a walking stoplight.
Step Two: Give him his own apartment
Fine, Batman takes Robin under his wing. But when Robin is a 32-year-old manchild, it gets pretty uncomfortable to watch. Instead, Robin should have his own place, where he can actually bring a woman home. Plus, living with Batman must suck: he's probably always "testing" new bat-themed gadgets (Robin, come try my bat-prostate examiner!)
Step Three: Give him some powers
You know that guy at work who sucks at his job, but sticks around because he knows the boss? Robin is the superhero equivalent of this. When he goes out with the Justice League to fight crime, Wonder Women tells him to wait in the car. No, "irresistible precociousness" doesn't count as a superpower.
3. Zan, from the Wonder Twins
Step One: Give him a real power
Zan's power was the ability to turn into any form of water. Even the creators realized how much this sucked, making him do ridiculous things like turn into a functioning jet engine made of ice (yes, this happened). It was so weak, we're surprised he couldn't also turn into menses. Let him shoot fire, or lightning, or pretty much any other element.
Step Two: Make him his own man
He can't even get super-fied without fist-bumping his sister. A sister who, by the way, has the cool power of turning into animals. That's awkward, "I'm gonna go wank it, sis, but stick around in case trouble happens and we need to activate." Let him just push the dang button on his fist, himself.
Step Three: Make him a mute
It's been revealed that they don't even need to say, "WonderTwin powers activate!" He just says it for kicks. How about making him a strong, totally silent type. Like a Justice League intern.
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